"I don't do faith much, so I instead surround myself with people who have it."
Recent text message to my guy.
When I got back from my hike yesterday, a book was on the floor, probably knocked off the shelf by Kitty. It was Peace Is Every Step. I picked it up on the way into the kitchen and started leafing through and talking myself down from feeling so perturbed. Then after my soak I sat down with my Tarot cards, which I only dabble in, but felt a strong need to pull a card. King of Swords, his card. Rather, it's the card I first pulled when we began dating and it totally fits him.
Pissed, frustrated, and filled with inner turmoil, I began thinking about how I have to BE the kindness and open heartedness I want to have in this relationship. I have to risk vulnerability to grow love. So I went to sleep and woke up as pissed as ever- and threatened in my mind to ignore his call (if he called) and let him go fuck himself this week. But when he called I remembered the new thing I'd decided to try.
And we talked, and in that talk I told him how I felt. That I'd been upset because he's been so distant, that I wasn't sure he had time or space for me in his life, that I was feeling unloved. And then I told him I thought there was something real between us worth pursuing, that I thought we'd be happier together than apart, that I thought I was feeling real deep love. And my heart opened and gushed forth- I even cried some tears.
So... I think he was taken aback as any person who knows me at all would be by this open release of romantic emotions. You're really almost more likely to win the lotto then see/hear me do THAT. And he texted me when he got to work "Love you and miss you so much, babe."
So we'll see. Perhaps the barriers to access are too great for this fledgling relationship to take flight, but the good stuff is there if we can grow it.