I've been so busy with life this week, and it's been kind of awesome. I'm getting more active in an issue in my town that I care about, and learning a ton in the process, and then a neighbor moved in who is notoriously horrible in the community, and her father is a pedophile/registered sex offender, and we saw him outside yesterday when our kids got home off the bus, and it's been a big process working with our landlord to get her gone so that we can feel more safe.
I've also doing more hiking before the cold and rains but have plans to meet a friend for a hike tomorrow. My kid is dropped to see his dad for the weekend and all I must do is survive tonight's lonlies and keep busy. I wish I was in the mode to drive into town and do some shopping that I seriously need to do, but it's just so dark and rainy and meh.
Since my heart became more open, I've been craving more time spent in the company of people I enjoy, and more activity. It's good, but it's a little lonely.
The ex-bf texted me last night and it was so weird. I've been trying to decode his messages, but they make no sense, and it's just not my problem anymore, and I can move on and not understand. It makes it tougher to let go, and easier.
I believe we all have default "truths" that we believe. Some of his truths make no sense to me. From all of his actions and words, it seems very clear to me that he believes a relationship with me is not worth devoting any time, spirit, or money to- not because I'm not worth it- but because I don't think he sees himself as worth it.
The whole time we were dating he would devote himself to all of his relationships and obligations, save me. I was to make due with what he had left over, and often times there was nothing left. And I wanted to point it out and ask him what the fuck that was all about, and now I wish I had.
But it's not my problem. Whatever he's got going on in there, is self fulfilling and very sad and I can't fix it or make it right. I need to trust myself and keep going, to borrow wisdom from a mama friend I greatly admire.