Saturday, November 30, 2013

Me Shiny

So my last update was 11/23.  It hardly feels like that, my life has just launched in new and unexpected ways and I've been so busy.

Since I began writing this blog, I've faced down some of my deepest, darkest shit, and it's changed me.  I'm not who I was, I'm like Me-turbocharged, Me Shiny.  In fact, if I was going to write another blog, or name the next chapter in my life, that is what I would call it- Firefly reference intended.

When your perspective about something changes, everything around you changes.  It's so true- all that we think and feel is through our own lense of perception.  Change your perception and what you're looking at - it's not the same.

Relationships are not the same for me anymore.  I have leveled up somehow, I'm not even sure how.  I'm stronger.  My heart is more open.  It feels like a crazy miracle.  I can feel pain and not shut down.  I can feel disappointment, and not shrink away from it.  When I feel these things, I know my strong beautiful heart is working, it's loving, and it's okay to lean into it in some ways, to feel all of it and know that this is my one wild and precious life- and this is my heart, and these are my relationships- and I aim to more fully experience all of them.

Integrity is huge.  Abused kids learn shame and work around strategies for dealing with stuff-  and those strategies have not served me well in my adult life, while I honor my need for them when I was essentially figuring out big shit as a little person.  

My understanding now is that I can be in my heart and I can walk around in the world and love people, and connect with them, and because my heart is mine - all I need to do is love with integrity and even when things don't go the way I would like, even when there's pain, disappointment, or inner turmoil- I have who I am - I have this heart and way of being that make me, me.  That feels so important and difficult to articulate, so maybe I need more perspective before I can, and thankfully the blog will be here when that time comes.

Everyone is on a path.  Everyone is struggling.  What I need, it's really inside of me, and that is the source from which my needs are filled.  But that wide gaping hole of need that can never be filled, no matter how much external love or light is poured into it-  that feels mostly gone.  It feels like it is so much more healed, and so much more strengthened, than ever in my life it has been.

“It was all unknown to me then, as I sat on that white bench on the day I finished my hike. Everything except the fact that I didn't have to know. That is was enough to trust that what I'd done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was, like all those lines from The Dream of a Common Language that had run through my nights and days. To believe that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.”
Cheryl Strayed

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