Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My Now Normal

The title almost said "new" but it's not new- I've been doing it for 3 years.  I sometimes am just not aware of how much I do, day in and day out.  I do it all.  I have no family nearby and we're living a ways outside of our old town--   we're on our own.

If something breaks, I figure out how to fix it.  If something needs doing, I do it.  I do all of it.  I begin the doing and continue the doing and finish up with the doing until all that needs to be done, gets done.  I never sleep in on days when I have my son.  I never take an afternoon nap when a partner backs me up so I can catch up on rest.  I have no partner, no back up, and I've adjusted to this.

I'll admit to using school hours and EOW (every other weekend) visits to catch up on rest.  As a sufferer of chronic fatigue, there are times when he is in one of those places that I do absolutely nothing- so that I can recharge and reload for when I have him.

I wonder how I'm going to transition to working, which I am not currently doing.  But I know that I will, because of how I transitioned to being a pretty present, on task, and loving/responsive mama, despite doing it solo with no backup. 

I'm pleased that I am modeling for my son, a doing attitude.  In his eyes- I don't think he thinks there's anything I can't do.  Increasingly,  I've taken on more and more of the things I used to rely on my ex for- and now- I just can't think of a time when I couldn't figure out how to get our needs met, reasonably and reliably. 

People always say, "Kids are resilient, they'll adjust."  Well, single mamas are damned resilient too.  We adjust and we stretch and bend and grow and morph into whatever our kids needs us to be.  This takes on an added dimension of triumph when I really acknowledge doing this with chronic illness.  I mean, I'm doing more and more- my perception is that slowly, over time, I'm healing from my chronic health issues.

The stressors of single motherhood are nothing like living with abuse.  Peace and freedom are so worth it, so worth all of it, many times over.  Today I'm grateful for our health and our lives free from explosive anger and horrible controlling abuse.  <3

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