Saturday, November 2, 2013

Today is the Suck

So I'm in my first relationship since my marriage, and it's such a lense revealing where I need to unfuck myself.  However, I think I've pushed him away, or pushed his buttons, or something- because I've not heard from him since this morning, and I hate the way it makes me feel.  I hate wondering, and waiting, and not knowing.

The thing is- he's a person with his own issues, but it's difficult to see what's what when I'm navigating through my own fucked upedness, which is the whole focal point for change.

And I have to keep reminding myself that this blog is a really private examination of where I am at, a place where I can safely vent my daily relationship frustrations and use those clues in my puzzle toward healing- I want to focus the lense but I don't need to necessarily explain the background too much.  That said, we've been dating a little over 2 months, but he lives  almost 2 hours away from me, and works through the nights.  Normally his schedule has goodly amounts of time for us to meet, but he's working overtime, overnight shifts, and for weeks we've barely seen each other.

He's probably exhausted today after 70+ hours in the last 5 days, but I internalize not hearing anything.  Except hearing a 1 sentence text has previously annoyed me, too.

All of this clues me into thinking maybe I have a hole I need to focus on filling.  Is it right to need someone to love romantically?  Asking that question almost makes me barf a little in my mouth.  Either we're in a not great place that  will recover, or we're not right for each other, or we're past what is recoverable.  I just don't know.

All throughout this relationship- I have felt that he fills his days, about 7 days per week, with obligations, so we get these bits of time but not a real chunk.  At the beginning- he seemed so genuinely into me but now he doesn't.  And we never really even got the chance to know each other.  I suggested that since he's so busy, maybe we should slow things down and not exclusively date until we get to know each other better and feel more ready - and he balked and said unequivocally that he only dates exclusively.  WTF?  I feel like my lack of solid boundary setting and clear assertive communication caused me to sort of paint myself into a corner there that I can't back out of without ending the relationship.  He said that he interpreted me suggesting that to mean that I was losing interest in him, which is absolutely not the case- and I told him so, but now I sense he's losing interest in me.

Blah blah-  it sounds so whiny and convoluted in my head.  Typing it out and making these thoughts real is very uncomfortable for me.  VERY.

When I was in college and now more recently in the last 8 months of dating, I feel like I begin to create conflict with people very quickly.  Which is not who I am at all.  In work relationships and for many years with friends- I am collaborative and feel like I have mostly an emotionally healthy ability to build and sustain relationships.  But some vestigial thing that seriously needs unfucking, remains and is triggered now in romantic relationships, though I do remember experiencing this in college in other relationships, too- I think I've grown past it.

When I get close to a guy I like- it feels like he's messing with me.  Like, I read things into his behaviors that are not there.  And I feel very frustrated.  I sense that some of the conflict is based in reality- that I have legitimate concerns I need to talk through and work out, but I also sense something about how I react- is unhealthy.  In my current relationship I've felt a fair amount of this.

Which all makes me feel like if there is no benefit I should cut my losses and move on.  But I've yet to get past the giddy infatuation phase to anything real, and I think this guy is capable of real, though maybe he just isn't.  I can't tell.

Circles, when I think about it I feel like a yappy little dog just chasing my tail.  Monday I'm shopping for a new therapist- and all of this is going to get run by someone who can hopefully help me sort it.

But I think in a new relationship- there should be talking, especially on days when he's not working- even if we don't see each other, there should be friendship and checking in and not this left hanging.    

No comments:

Post a Comment