Saturday, November 30, 2013

Me Shiny

So my last update was 11/23.  It hardly feels like that, my life has just launched in new and unexpected ways and I've been so busy.

Since I began writing this blog, I've faced down some of my deepest, darkest shit, and it's changed me.  I'm not who I was, I'm like Me-turbocharged, Me Shiny.  In fact, if I was going to write another blog, or name the next chapter in my life, that is what I would call it- Firefly reference intended.

When your perspective about something changes, everything around you changes.  It's so true- all that we think and feel is through our own lense of perception.  Change your perception and what you're looking at - it's not the same.

Relationships are not the same for me anymore.  I have leveled up somehow, I'm not even sure how.  I'm stronger.  My heart is more open.  It feels like a crazy miracle.  I can feel pain and not shut down.  I can feel disappointment, and not shrink away from it.  When I feel these things, I know my strong beautiful heart is working, it's loving, and it's okay to lean into it in some ways, to feel all of it and know that this is my one wild and precious life- and this is my heart, and these are my relationships- and I aim to more fully experience all of them.

Integrity is huge.  Abused kids learn shame and work around strategies for dealing with stuff-  and those strategies have not served me well in my adult life, while I honor my need for them when I was essentially figuring out big shit as a little person.  

My understanding now is that I can be in my heart and I can walk around in the world and love people, and connect with them, and because my heart is mine - all I need to do is love with integrity and even when things don't go the way I would like, even when there's pain, disappointment, or inner turmoil- I have who I am - I have this heart and way of being that make me, me.  That feels so important and difficult to articulate, so maybe I need more perspective before I can, and thankfully the blog will be here when that time comes.

Everyone is on a path.  Everyone is struggling.  What I need, it's really inside of me, and that is the source from which my needs are filled.  But that wide gaping hole of need that can never be filled, no matter how much external love or light is poured into it-  that feels mostly gone.  It feels like it is so much more healed, and so much more strengthened, than ever in my life it has been.

“It was all unknown to me then, as I sat on that white bench on the day I finished my hike. Everything except the fact that I didn't have to know. That is was enough to trust that what I'd done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was, like all those lines from The Dream of a Common Language that had run through my nights and days. To believe that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.”
Cheryl Strayed

Saturday, November 23, 2013


In 2004 I backpacked sections of the PCT in OR and WA- and so related to Cheryl Strayed's PCT account.  These last months, I've walked a fuck ton of miles in a wilderness of a different sort.  The difficult choices- they really come down to this and my insular focus on going forward, feels less like retreating into a cave of woe and more like real growth while being with it.  I hope so!!

“The thing about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, the thing that was so profound to me that summer—and yet also, like most things, so very simple—was how few choices I had and how often I had to do the thing I least wanted to do. How there was no escape or denial. No numbing it down with a martini or covering it up with a roll in the hay. As I clung to the chaparral that day, attempting to patch up my bleeding finger, terrified by every sound that the bull was coming back, I considered my options. There were only two and they were essentially the same. I could go back in the direction I had come from, or I could go forward in the direction I intended to go.”
Cheryl Strayed

Friday, November 22, 2013

Spikey Bangs

Every time I post up something uncomfortably real about what I'm going through, I think to myself:  "That's some really unflattering self disclosure there, lovey- best to keep that tidbit to yourself."  But when I read back, I am SO grateful I wrote it down. 

This agonizing unflattering self disclosure is what makes this blog actually useful, so here it goes.  I can barely bear to type this out:

I unfriended him on facebook to help me move on, but all too regularly I go back and check his wall/timeline/fuck all.  And since the day he told me he didn't want to see me on a kid free weekend, that he was busy and had a gal pal from recovery visiting and staying in his house for the week, and was too busy to see me--- since THAT day- he's had the picture I took of him up as his profile piq.

It's really not one of his more flattering photos, I must say.  His bangs are spikey and weird looking, presumably from many hours of heretofore never experienced amazing sex.  I nearly said amazeballs, but that would be misleading.

Why won't he change the picture? I ask myself.  I think today is day 7 of this picture, ugh.  It's the picture I hesitated long and hard before deleting from my computer, and then a few hours later, there it is again.  In that picture, he's looking *at me* when we were completely init.  In that space I'd always imagined I'd get to some day be in.

As an aside, I've always been fascinated by the expressions people wear when specific people photograph them.  I've made it somewhat of a study, and part of what I enjoy about candid photos is figuring out who took the photo based on the subject's eyes and expression.  I can almost always tell who photographed my dad, for example- almost always.

Reading my last entry- I'm so grateful I wrote that stuff down, all of his unhealthy weirdness that is so turmoil-inducing, it makes me grateful we're through even if I haven't exactly moved on yet, those truths are big game changers pointing my heart and spirit in that direction.

Yet, at some future moment, probably sooner than later- he'll have changed his profile picture.  And it will be gone, because I did not save a copy of it.  And some new wave of grief will wash over me- but not really, it will be like a tiny outgoing wave that just hits my feet, or maybe not even my whole feet, just enough to let me feel how cold and unwelcoming that vastness really is. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Living With Integrity II

I wish to develop this thought-  What it means to live with integrity.  It's damned important, and it's almost as if a finely calibrated instrument that helps me to operate with integrity, was installed into my psyche.  It's something I've been working hard on for a long while without realizing that's what I was going for.

In my relationship with Mtn, I felt inspired and safe. Then I felt funky and I challenged myself to grow up a little, to become in the relationship, what I needed in the relationship.  It was big transformative stuff and it happened and keeps happening and I don't want to lose it roll backwards, I want to develop it further. 

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to
succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.”
Abraham Lincoln

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Living With Integrity I

Too tired to develop this thought too much tonight, but I feel as though something has shifted within me in the last few months- where I put myself out there in a more complete way, and despite some pretty crappy circumstances, I gave what I wanted to receive and behaved in a way that felt right to me- above board, all the way.   That's important to me.  I loved with integrity.  And I'm going to keep approaching relationships with integrity as I figure the rest of myself out- because it's important, and I can feel it deep in my stuffs that it's just the right way for me to be. 

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
Barbara De Angelis

An unhealthy man chases me when I'm not in contact with him, and rejects me when I'm living and loving with integrity. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


As I deal with what is, in a new position I'm serving in- I realize how regretful I am that I left my well paying data job to get pregnant and birth a bub.  I have loved mothering more than anything I've ever done- but I could not see then how my marriage would fail and I'd be left standing-


no retirement.

no career trajectory, advancement of my skills, yada.

My ex husband keeps advancing and moving forward professionally, and spends his work off time with our son.  But I am always on.

I wouldn't have it any other way, and yet--- this is my biggest regret. 

It's the thing I've got to figure out- part time, or resort to the dread after care.  I can't imagine being away from my precious young son, more than I already am.  sigh.  dread. 

Monday, November 18, 2013


Like  a wound closing in on itself, it's felt more healing to be mostly insular these last couple of days than to allow the pain to ooze forth as words in this blog.  Still, they feel pretty green and icky and pus like, the way wounds do when they're healing.

The sideways freezing cold rain has come, which puts the kibosh on my hiking schemes out here, and that is always a difficult time for me, since I use these wild spaces out my back door to escape to.  It's just no fun when it's high winds and freezing rain, maybe if I get some expedition style rain gear- I could do it and hike/laugh instead of cower/shiver.

In trying to assess where my self unfucking is at-  I feel like opening my heart has been a huge step forward, but it's also really tough.  Feeling stuff- it's difficult and I'm struggling with emotional regulation.  The feelings I have surrounding my breakup are very tough to take.  I feel needy and raw and pathetic, frankly.  Yet I know this is what it feels like, this heart straining disappointment.  I can't say my heart is broken, because my relationship never got that far, and for that- maybe I should be thankful.  But it got far enough to feel a lot and to hope for a lot. 

What I was looking forward most to- was partnering with him on stuff in our lives that matter.  I was looking forward to adult attachment, in all of it's neurobiological wonder.  I was looking forward to experiencing that and smooshing our lives together, and making something awesome together.  And I KNEW it was too soon to want any of that, but still I wanted it.  And I will never be able to put words to blog, how freaking amazing and fantastic our physical chemistry was.  I didn't know it could be like that, we were both taken by surprise by it and it could feel overwhelming.  It was tough to make sense of it- and I never got that chance.  And that's what sizzles my bacon now- to be so curious about something without ever getting to explore it to my satisfaction, not even close.

I feel used and swindled and done so wrong- but he's just a fucked up guy on his own path with, clearly, severely messed up ideas about intimacy and romantic love.  Severely messed, and they have nothing to do with me.  I remember him leaving my place on a Saturday afternoon because he was worried about getting his lawn mowed and seeing his daughter off  before her homecoming dance-except she had no idea he was coming home and never even went to his house.  That's weird, right?  Like, do you let your daughter know you want her to bring her date around, since your house is 5 minutes away from her mother's place, or do you just show up and wait and hope without letting her know?  I remember thinking at the time he just couldn't relax and be away, he could not do it.

Oh there is such a long list of those weirdnesses, and if I understood the spectrum of human behavior better, I could probably point at it and say, "Aha!" and name it.  But I don't, so I can't.  I can just recognize that we could have had a whole additional night together on a precious kid free weekend, and he chose to bail for no reason. Or, he could have arranged to be a part of an important milestone in his daughter's life, but lacked the ability to communicate with her about it.  And- he could have had both if he had made arrangements in advance all the way around.

But throughout the whole relationship- he began treating me like I was sapping precious time and energy away from his LIFE- like having a romantic partner, that was all gravy, not the stuff of real life.  He showed anxiety and resentment about it, that I didn't understand at the time.  He didn't want to miss *anything* happening in his life- it was critically important to catch up with old friends in town that he hadn't seen in 9 or 10 years, on his one day to see me one week, for example.  The man has loads of acquaintances, but I would say that he actually feels that accepting invitations from every person who invites him to coffee, is more important than seeing his girlfriend- even if that's the only time he's got free.

Blah.  And so the thoughts go round and round.  A little tequila in my creamy coffee tonight and some zombified tv later, and a new week with big projects on the horizon, and making the goal of attending more social opportunities with my friends no matter how much the cold, dark, rain makes me want to hibernate and insulate- I dearly need their friendshippy warmth.

~the end~  (that's the thing about daily writing, it's not always going to be a complete well written thought, but it's down and it's here.)

Sunday, November 17, 2013

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."   Rumi

No photo credit.  Found it in a group on facebook and it only said "Abandoned church in Alaska."

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Woah Woah Woah

Feelings.  I'm having Feelings.  It seems that all of this work recently is opening my heart and helping me feel.  And this breakup- it's hitting me a lot harder than I think it should.

I feel lonely.  I usually never feel lonely- not like this.  In this past relationship- I felt something.  I saw something, possible, and I grew into it- and it felt so mutual and so real.

And instead of having a relationship- I had a man scurry into abscentia-  from me.  From us.  And because there were reasons and excuses, I waited.  And while I waited that spark of true connection inside of me, it lit, and it became the impetus for growth.

But through all of it, I've been in so much pain.  I've been going through wave after wave of inner turmoil, living my life and trying to be patient, to be understanding, to be okay.

And tonight on a child free weekend, I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  But I FEEL.  So the challenge for me now is to stay present with my heart and keep feeling.  I've cried twice today- and I don't remember the last time I had tears when it wasn't an emotional response to a movie or show I was into, except recently when I was pouring out my soul to him.

I'll never understand what is going on for him, and it doesn't matter.  My emotional responses are rusty- I've probably given this one too much gas and flooded the engine, but I need to keep feeling and going forward.  I need to stay open.  I do not need to date right now, but one day- I hope I do, and I hope that if I feel something as mutually amazing as this briefly was,  it goes better. 

If you didn't click on the link above, to a youtube video of a weird old song I remember on one of my parents record albums, growing up- then you really should.  My feelings feel as embarrassing, uncomfortable, and weirdified- as that song is.  Oh better yet, get it right here, lovey-

Friday, November 15, 2013


I've been so busy with life this week, and it's been kind of awesome.  I'm getting more active in an issue in my town that I care about, and learning a ton in the process, and then a neighbor moved in who is notoriously horrible in the community, and her father is a pedophile/registered sex offender, and we saw him outside yesterday when our kids got home off the bus, and it's been a big process working with our landlord to get her gone so that we can feel more safe.

I've also doing more hiking before the cold and rains but have plans to meet a friend for a hike tomorrow.   My kid is dropped to see his dad for the weekend and all I must do is survive tonight's lonlies and keep busy.  I wish I was in the mode to drive into town and do some shopping that I seriously need to do, but it's just so dark and rainy and meh. 

Since my heart became more open, I've been craving more time spent in the company of people I enjoy, and more activity.  It's good, but it's a little lonely.

The ex-bf texted me last night and it was so weird.  I've been trying to decode his messages, but they make no sense, and it's just not my problem anymore, and I can move on and not understand.  It makes it tougher to let go, and easier.

I believe we all have default "truths" that we believe.  Some of his truths make no sense to me.  From all of his actions and words, it seems very clear to me that he believes a relationship with me is not worth devoting any time, spirit, or money to- not because I'm not worth it- but because I don't think he sees himself as worth it. 

The whole time we were dating he would devote himself to all of his relationships and obligations, save me.  I was to make due with what he had left over, and often times there was nothing left.  And I wanted to point it out and ask him what the fuck that was all about, and now I wish I had.

But it's not my problem.  Whatever he's got going on in there, is self fulfilling and very sad and I can't fix it or make it right.  I need to trust myself and keep going, to borrow wisdom from a mama friend I greatly admire.

Peace out.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Let There Be Light

This day is all about keeping the darkness at bay.  Reframing.  Silliness.  Camaraderie.  Hanging in.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Light & Breezy

The Best Advice I Ever Got About Love

That little nugget, not written by me, has given me loads to think about as I contemplate getting back out there, dating wise.  My profiles have only been disabled 2 or 3 months- but it feels like so much longer.

And when I go back out there:  I've changed.  I'm more self aware, more emotionally open, and less willing to put up with BS.  I'm less willing to commit to a relationship until I feel we're both invested and have real connection and compatibility.  Until then, Imma follow #1 and take things Light and Breezy.

It’s all about the ability to be with what is, in the moment without knowing if you’ll get a call, or make a connection. It’s about being in that uncertain place without pushing, forcing, nagging, or otherwise putting pressure on the delicate filament of romantic potential.

Word.  Up until now I've been doing this in an opposite way- trying to determine if a guy is all of the things I need and want before committing any time or focus on him.   It's felt cumbersome and wrong somehow- but I just hadn't viewed how to begin quite as well before until reading this article.  I can be emotionally open and enjoy dating without investing in men who are not right for me.  It actually gives me hope and sounds fun. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My Now Normal

The title almost said "new" but it's not new- I've been doing it for 3 years.  I sometimes am just not aware of how much I do, day in and day out.  I do it all.  I have no family nearby and we're living a ways outside of our old town--   we're on our own.

If something breaks, I figure out how to fix it.  If something needs doing, I do it.  I do all of it.  I begin the doing and continue the doing and finish up with the doing until all that needs to be done, gets done.  I never sleep in on days when I have my son.  I never take an afternoon nap when a partner backs me up so I can catch up on rest.  I have no partner, no back up, and I've adjusted to this.

I'll admit to using school hours and EOW (every other weekend) visits to catch up on rest.  As a sufferer of chronic fatigue, there are times when he is in one of those places that I do absolutely nothing- so that I can recharge and reload for when I have him.

I wonder how I'm going to transition to working, which I am not currently doing.  But I know that I will, because of how I transitioned to being a pretty present, on task, and loving/responsive mama, despite doing it solo with no backup. 

I'm pleased that I am modeling for my son, a doing attitude.  In his eyes- I don't think he thinks there's anything I can't do.  Increasingly,  I've taken on more and more of the things I used to rely on my ex for- and now- I just can't think of a time when I couldn't figure out how to get our needs met, reasonably and reliably. 

People always say, "Kids are resilient, they'll adjust."  Well, single mamas are damned resilient too.  We adjust and we stretch and bend and grow and morph into whatever our kids needs us to be.  This takes on an added dimension of triumph when I really acknowledge doing this with chronic illness.  I mean, I'm doing more and more- my perception is that slowly, over time, I'm healing from my chronic health issues.

The stressors of single motherhood are nothing like living with abuse.  Peace and freedom are so worth it, so worth all of it, many times over.  Today I'm grateful for our health and our lives free from explosive anger and horrible controlling abuse.  <3

Monday, November 11, 2013

Tunes From the Breakup Track

it's easier for me to get closer to
heaven than ever feel whole again

Gonna wash that man right out of my hair
Just like the first time he said he didn't care
Gonna wash that man right out of my hair
Heard it before, no more
Gonna take my hips to a man who cares
Turn the corner another one there

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Seen Not Heard

This is how I feel with men, and it's really harshing my mellow.  It keeps coming up over and over again, and it's terribly disheartening.

I put a lot of thought into my online dating profiles, and I got a certain response to them.  But over a year ago, I started a  profile but I never finished it, and it was blank.  No info.  No words.  No deets.  And at some point I got 1 random message from there, and I logged into it and updated my photo.   The same photo I had on my other profiles.

And all of a sudden I received a deluge of interesting men looking to see if I'd pick up what they were putting down.  And I realized why-  Because in the blank profile I could be seen without being heard.

I'm an intelligent thoughtful woman, and this is, at its core, somehow- DISTASTEFUL to many men.  Two separate profiles, two separate essays, both showing who I am, receiving far less attention than my blank, 1 photo profile.

And this is such a problem for me, because I have decided to honorably speak up in all of my relationships.  This means owning my truth and communicating it without hostility, fear, or any bullshit-  just owning it and stating it.

And more than one man has run from this.  Men do not seem to like knowing what I think or how I feel.  And everything inside of me screams that is fucked up- those men are fucked up. 

And I get it if I'm being distasteful- passive aggressive, or some other thing.  But I'm not.  I'm being kind, clear, and assertive.  I'm showing vulnerability and truth- and it's not good enough.  And I will never have someone close to me, in my emotional sphere- who can't or won't listen to me- ever again.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Relationship Post-Mortem

I ended my relationship today, and I think it behooves this blog to dissect the ins and outs extensively to help me process it.  So here it is:  I have problems and am flawed, but have ended the relationship for one key reason. 

I refuse to be treated like shit. 

I made allowances for my shit, I made allowances for his shit, I gave and communicated and treated him the way I want to be treated- I was honest and honorable and feel good about creating space in my life for love, and giving my best higher self to it.

But he didn't deserve it, despite some amazing vibey chemistry.  He's not the guy, and I got no time to process the relentless drivel of inner turmoil being involved with him resulted in.  Good relationships should feel good a goodly portion of the time.  That's the test.  This relationship?   FAIL.

I credit this blog for helping me sort myself- to be as honest and real with myself as I can be, and to trust that no matter how good something felt, 6 weeks ago!! It doesn't mean it's right in my life. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Childhood Amnesia

My sister and I have never gotten along very well.  I love her so deeply, and yet I find her hurtful and damaging and I keep my distance throughout our lives, as much as possible.  But this summer I practiced giving her loving kindness and understanding, and our relationship blossomed with tenderness in a beautiful way.  At one point during last summer's visit our cousin came over and was sharing about the trauma she has been working through in therapy, some of it happening when she lived with us - terrible mistreatment by our father. 

But on this occasion and others, when my siblings talk about our childhood- I do not remember it.  Like, at all.  This last trip my sister made mention of some kind of regret or sadness about how our father treated me, too, as a child.  I can't quite remember what she said- the amnesia just grabs whatever is related to this, apparently, and gobbles it up.  And it turns out this kind of selective amnesia is a major feature of disassociation.  No surprise.  On the stand at my own restraining order hearing- I couldn't remember many details of the abuse I lived through for years.  I also rarely spoke of it, but a friend testified to events I had forgotten.  It turns out that childhood abuse primes a person for this kind of dissociative amnesia. 

It bothers me sometimes that so much of my childhood is just a blank, voided, non memory.  I don't understand why instead of just forgetting the bad stuff- I have almost no memory of any of it.  I don't remember my childhood years, largely.  I have memories, and I have happy memories, but when my siblings talk about shared experiences of times when I was THERE- I can't remember any of it.  And when I heard my sister tell a story about the 3 of us sharing a room together, I couldn't remember it at all (she told it to me a few years ago.)  Then I heard my cousin relate the same memory from her perspective, very similar, unprompted by my sister, this past summer.

Somehow, having two independent recounts of the same event (which was a nightly thing in our room)-  and me having zero memory of it ever happening-  it gives me such a sick feeling- that my brain is wiped clean of my childhood and I can't remember so many things that my sister and cousin do recall similarly enough.  Why?  Why can't I remember?

Do I need this?  I don't want it.   I want to be free and done and past it and just pretend I have nearly global childhood amnesia, and just move on. 

My sister remembers that after my cousin's mom died, when she was living with us, the 3 of us shared a room, and we would give each other massages before bed as we were falling asleep.  It was unfair because I dangled my hand/arm down from the top bunk and she had to do all of the work on the bottom bunk reaching up to massage my forearm.   My cousin explains that when she was there, it was unfair because my sister and I both got massages from her, but she never got them back.  I don't remember any of it - at all -  except that to this day my favorite most sensitive place to receive touch is my forearm, and I am now a licensed massage therapist.  Clearly these experiences profoundly affected my life- so why can't I remember them? 

Is my dad's general abusiveness what's causing me amnesia, or is there some event that if I will remember, will cause all of the memories to come rushing back?   My dad is dead, my life is now-- I don't want any of this to be my story.  I want health, love, wholeness, and the courage to move the fuck on.  If I have to revisit my past, I'll do it- but I am so freaking old and I have so much I want to do- I don't need childhood stuff fucking me up or defining me any more- I am so over it.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Coping Void

I used to really struggle with anxiety, depression, and PTSD, but 2 summers ago I just broke in a way that allows me to function pretty consistently without meds or severe downswings in my functioning.  Disassociation.

One day two summers ago when I was fighting a horrible legal battle with an abusive ex, which I really don't intend to write much about in this blog-  I saw a man face down in the street on the corner of Powell and 39th.  I stopped my car and got out to help him (back in the day I was an EMT and my default has always been to Good Samaritan-up in these sitches.)

The man had a knife and was clearly delusional.  As he came after me, I did everything wrong and it was dumb luck that I wasn't stabbed.   I've never dealt with it--- I can't.  It's in there somewhere, in The Coping Void.  At the time, my life was so stressful and traumatic- I almost thought this horrific event was funny.  When I told the DA what I was dealing with in my life, he didn't press me to testify but entered in my plea to the judge that the man get some psychiatric help- not merely jail time, because it felt to me that he struggled to NOT attack me in that moment where he totally could have, and I felt so grateful for that.  Today- I can't remember whether or not my son was in the car.  It's the kind of thing I should remember- so the distortions surrounding the event in my memory clue me into the level of trauma I experienced, but I can't really feel it.

And I don't really feel a lot of things, and this is how I function.  I was in a counseling session before we moved out of state, and she said I had pronounced disassociation, really common in people struggling post-trauma.  I think that little slight of hand/brain, is how I plod ahead most days.

I'm there.  I think I'm slowly improving-- but not quite enough to really function normally.  I'm not quite all there.  I've also been diagnosed with ADD, and a low dose of those meds does help me focus, but I think the root and cause of my otherwhereness, is this coping void my brain goes into so that I can be on every day without major interruptions in my ability to single parent my child.

I was on some meds that worked for me, then I lost my insurance and had to rapid taper off of them, because the Lexapro was so damned expensive- and I swore I'd never go on another medication that could do that to me, again.  I wanted to die I was so miserable and sick through the withdrawal, and it seemed to trigger a subsequent health crisis that took almost a year to dig out of, all originating from that Lexapro withdrawal.

So while I want to unfuck my life and be whole- I don't want to disrupt my ability to function at the level where I'm at now.  I worry I have so much trauma and damage inside of me, that if I go back to therapy and really work on it, these walls are going to come down and I am going to feel- all of it, and I'm not going to be able to cope with it, and I'm not going to be able to shut down, and I'm going to have a psychiatric crisis that will threaten my ability to solo parent my child, or make it easier for his father's family to swoop in and take him from me, something I think they'd love to do if I show any ineptness at this job that I do 12/14 days, 24/7.

This post has been in that void but it just popped into my mind, when I thought I had nothing to write about tonight.  It's clearly a key thing I have to figure out. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Sans Oomph

Inner turmoil sure takes a lot out of a gal.  I've felt really wiped out today, yet peaceful with the semblance of resolution with Mtn (my nick for my guy.)  I've been focusing more on parenting- making these connection opportunities with my kid count, and caught up on rest today.  I'm not feeling fantastic tonight so may be fighting a virus, which always feels like fatigue for me.

The thing is - nothing has really changed except that I showed the guy I think I love some vulnerability.  He's working and doing extra shizzle this week for work,  I'm momming-  so all of my peace rests on hope, or at the very least- satisfaction- not for what the future may bring, but for allowing myself to communicate my openness to it, and my desire for it.

I 'spose that's all I can do.  I like it- focusing on what I can do and effect rather than clinging to notions of desired outcomes.  The former feels way healthier.  And that's all I got Nov 5. 

Monday, November 4, 2013


"I don't do faith much, so I instead surround myself with people who have it."

Recent text message to my guy. 

When I got back from my hike yesterday, a book was on the floor, probably knocked off the shelf by Kitty.  It was Peace Is Every Step.  I picked it up on the way into the kitchen and started leafing through and talking myself down from feeling so perturbed.  Then after my soak I sat down with my Tarot cards, which I only dabble in, but felt a strong need to pull a card.  King of Swords, his card.  Rather, it's the card I first pulled when we began dating and it totally fits him.

Pissed, frustrated, and filled with inner turmoil, I began thinking about how I have to BE the kindness and open heartedness I want to have in this relationship.  I have to risk vulnerability to grow love.  So I went to sleep and woke up as pissed as ever- and threatened in my mind to ignore his call (if he called) and let him go fuck himself this week.   But when he called I remembered the new thing I'd decided to try.

And we talked, and in that talk I told him how I felt.  That I'd been upset because he's been so distant, that I wasn't sure he had time or space for me in his life, that I was feeling unloved.  And then I told him I thought there was something real between us worth pursuing, that I thought we'd be happier together than apart, that I thought I was feeling real deep love.   And my heart opened and gushed forth- I even cried some tears.

So...  I think he was taken aback as any person who knows me at all would be by this open release of romantic emotions.  You're really almost more likely to win the lotto then see/hear me do THAT.  And he texted me when he got to work  "Love you and miss you so much, babe."

So we'll see.  Perhaps the barriers to access are too great for this fledgling relationship to take flight, but the good stuff is there if we can grow it.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Technology in Retrograde

I've spent a number of times today trying to pull up my blog in Chrome, and it just won't work. I can view it but I can't post anything to it or change the design or work within the blog format at all.   I can't use Firefox b/c I have my regular Google account open there all the time, and it's a huge pain in the ying to log out of it and into this account to get to my blog-  so here I am with the dread IE open.  Perhaps viruses and trojans and yucky things will swoop in to hijack my computer beyond all use, once and for all-- but for now I'm able to write.  And I need to write.

It scares me that the blog is getting some views.  I asked myself why, and the answer was as clear as can be, and belies some deep beliefs about myself.  I believe that if people know who I really am, and what I struggle with- they won't love me-- that I am fundamentally unlovable.  Typing it out, it almost sounds cliché.  A lot of people feel this way, at least some of the time.   I see my value in terms of what I can give to others, but rarely do I see myself as valuable just for who I am.

Part of the shaming of abuse is this core belief:  "I have to put up with this shit for love, and now that I've been damaged by abuse- no one else will want me."  I think it is exacerbated by the fact that I've struggled most of my life to find a place where I fit in.  I couldn't stay in the Midwest-  I never belonged there.   The west is for sure my homeland- but so far from family, with friends shifting as they do, it has been difficult to really feel that sense of belonging anywhere. 

Tonight the alter is set and the candles are lit, and the veil between here and the afterlife is at it's thinnest.  I keep hoping some insight will rocket through there and give me a glimpse into what I need to Know to unfuck my self.

The boyfriend did call this morning, explaining he had slept over 14 hours.  I was hiking when he called and missed it.  When I called him back, he was taking his daughters out for lunch and to a movie- and we've texted sporadically back and forth.  He's let me know he's still tired.   And that's the issue in this relationship that feels like it's not me/my shit-  he has just enough oomph to work and make family and friend commitments, and then he's done.  The man really has no business having a girlfriend, or at least not one he insists date him exclusively.   Tomorrow I'll pick up my kid and I'll have him solid for two weeks.  So next weekend when the boyfriend is feeling more rested, I just won't be free.  Vicious cycle. 

I want to not care and be okay that this child free weekend is a bust- but I'm disappointed. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Today is the Suck

So I'm in my first relationship since my marriage, and it's such a lense revealing where I need to unfuck myself.  However, I think I've pushed him away, or pushed his buttons, or something- because I've not heard from him since this morning, and I hate the way it makes me feel.  I hate wondering, and waiting, and not knowing.

The thing is- he's a person with his own issues, but it's difficult to see what's what when I'm navigating through my own fucked upedness, which is the whole focal point for change.

And I have to keep reminding myself that this blog is a really private examination of where I am at, a place where I can safely vent my daily relationship frustrations and use those clues in my puzzle toward healing- I want to focus the lense but I don't need to necessarily explain the background too much.  That said, we've been dating a little over 2 months, but he lives  almost 2 hours away from me, and works through the nights.  Normally his schedule has goodly amounts of time for us to meet, but he's working overtime, overnight shifts, and for weeks we've barely seen each other.

He's probably exhausted today after 70+ hours in the last 5 days, but I internalize not hearing anything.  Except hearing a 1 sentence text has previously annoyed me, too.

All of this clues me into thinking maybe I have a hole I need to focus on filling.  Is it right to need someone to love romantically?  Asking that question almost makes me barf a little in my mouth.  Either we're in a not great place that  will recover, or we're not right for each other, or we're past what is recoverable.  I just don't know.

All throughout this relationship- I have felt that he fills his days, about 7 days per week, with obligations, so we get these bits of time but not a real chunk.  At the beginning- he seemed so genuinely into me but now he doesn't.  And we never really even got the chance to know each other.  I suggested that since he's so busy, maybe we should slow things down and not exclusively date until we get to know each other better and feel more ready - and he balked and said unequivocally that he only dates exclusively.  WTF?  I feel like my lack of solid boundary setting and clear assertive communication caused me to sort of paint myself into a corner there that I can't back out of without ending the relationship.  He said that he interpreted me suggesting that to mean that I was losing interest in him, which is absolutely not the case- and I told him so, but now I sense he's losing interest in me.

Blah blah-  it sounds so whiny and convoluted in my head.  Typing it out and making these thoughts real is very uncomfortable for me.  VERY.

When I was in college and now more recently in the last 8 months of dating, I feel like I begin to create conflict with people very quickly.  Which is not who I am at all.  In work relationships and for many years with friends- I am collaborative and feel like I have mostly an emotionally healthy ability to build and sustain relationships.  But some vestigial thing that seriously needs unfucking, remains and is triggered now in romantic relationships, though I do remember experiencing this in college in other relationships, too- I think I've grown past it.

When I get close to a guy I like- it feels like he's messing with me.  Like, I read things into his behaviors that are not there.  And I feel very frustrated.  I sense that some of the conflict is based in reality- that I have legitimate concerns I need to talk through and work out, but I also sense something about how I react- is unhealthy.  In my current relationship I've felt a fair amount of this.

Which all makes me feel like if there is no benefit I should cut my losses and move on.  But I've yet to get past the giddy infatuation phase to anything real, and I think this guy is capable of real, though maybe he just isn't.  I can't tell.

Circles, when I think about it I feel like a yappy little dog just chasing my tail.  Monday I'm shopping for a new therapist- and all of this is going to get run by someone who can hopefully help me sort it.

But I think in a new relationship- there should be talking, especially on days when he's not working- even if we don't see each other, there should be friendship and checking in and not this left hanging.    

Friday, November 1, 2013

The time has come to unfuck my life.  It's like realizing that I'm made of star stuff-  all the neato stuff of space that I love to think about, is not just Out There,  but In Here.  Well, so is the stuff of surviving childhood abuse, then long years of marital abuse. The abuse is not just out there, happening to me.  It's in here, it's a part of me- and I want it out.  I want to love and parent and grow without this impenetrable black hole sabotaging my relationships.

I'm blogging daily this month as part of NaBloPoMo.  I've got a lot of  ground to cover this month. I want to follow the thoughts around my brain that I think, and try to understand them for what they are.  I want to finally locate a therapist who will take my insurance, and begin again down that path.   I want to turn over new leafs, look under old woundy stones, and see what's crawling around in the bleakness under them.  I want to heal and grow and move forward-  and emerge with some clarity and a record of all of this to refer back to.