Like a wound closing in on itself, it's felt more healing to be mostly insular these last couple of days than to allow the pain to ooze forth as words in this blog. Still, they feel pretty green and icky and pus like, the way wounds do when they're healing.
The sideways freezing cold rain has come, which puts the kibosh on my hiking schemes out here, and that is always a difficult time for me, since I use these wild spaces out my back door to escape to. It's just no fun when it's high winds and freezing rain, maybe if I get some expedition style rain gear- I could do it and hike/laugh instead of cower/shiver.
In trying to assess where my self unfucking is at- I feel like opening my heart has been a huge step forward, but it's also really tough. Feeling stuff- it's difficult and I'm struggling with emotional regulation. The feelings I have surrounding my breakup are very tough to take. I feel needy and raw and pathetic, frankly. Yet I know this is what it feels like, this heart straining disappointment. I can't say my heart is broken, because my relationship never got that far, and for that- maybe I should be thankful. But it got far enough to feel a lot and to hope for a lot.
What I was looking forward most to- was partnering with him on stuff in our lives that matter. I was looking forward to adult attachment, in all of it's neurobiological wonder. I was looking forward to experiencing that and smooshing our lives together, and making something awesome together. And I KNEW it was too soon to want any of that, but still I wanted it. And I will never be able to put words to blog, how freaking amazing and fantastic our physical chemistry was. I didn't know it could be like that, we were both taken by surprise by it and it could feel overwhelming. It was tough to make sense of it- and I never got that chance. And that's what sizzles my bacon now- to be so curious about something without ever getting to explore it to my satisfaction, not even close.
I feel used and swindled and done so wrong- but he's just a fucked up guy on his own path with, clearly, severely messed up ideas about intimacy and romantic love. Severely messed, and they have nothing to do with me. I remember him leaving my place on a Saturday afternoon because he was worried about getting his lawn mowed and seeing his daughter off before her homecoming dance-except she had no idea he was coming home and never even went to his house. That's weird, right? Like, do you let your daughter know you want her to bring her date around, since your house is 5 minutes away from her mother's place, or do you just show up and wait and hope without letting her know? I remember thinking at the time he just couldn't relax and be away, he could not do it.
Oh there is such a long list of those weirdnesses, and if I understood the spectrum of human behavior better, I could probably point at it and say, "Aha!" and name it. But I don't, so I can't. I can just recognize that we could have had a whole additional night together on a precious kid free weekend, and he chose to bail for no reason. Or, he could have arranged to be a part of an important milestone in his daughter's life, but lacked the ability to communicate with her about it. And- he could have had both if he had made arrangements in advance all the way around.
But throughout the whole relationship- he began treating me like I was sapping precious time and energy away from his LIFE- like having a romantic partner, that was all gravy, not the stuff of real life. He showed anxiety and resentment about it, that I didn't understand at the time. He didn't want to miss *anything* happening in his life- it was critically important to catch up with old friends in town that he hadn't seen in 9 or 10 years, on his one day to see me one week, for example. The man has loads of acquaintances, but I would say that he actually feels that accepting invitations from every person who invites him to coffee, is more important than seeing his girlfriend- even if that's the only time he's got free.
Blah. And so the thoughts go round and round. A little tequila in my creamy coffee tonight and some zombified tv later, and a new week with big projects on the horizon, and making the goal of attending more social opportunities with my friends no matter how much the cold, dark, rain makes me want to hibernate and insulate- I dearly need their friendshippy warmth.
~the end~ (that's the thing about daily writing, it's not always going to be a complete well written thought, but it's down and it's here.)