I feel lonely. I usually never feel lonely- not like this. In this past relationship- I felt something. I saw something, possible, and I grew into it- and it felt so mutual and so real.
And instead of having a relationship- I had a man scurry into abscentia- from me. From us. And because there were reasons and excuses, I waited. And while I waited that spark of true connection inside of me, it lit, and it became the impetus for growth.
But through all of it, I've been in so much pain. I've been going through wave after wave of inner turmoil, living my life and trying to be patient, to be understanding, to be okay.
And tonight on a child free weekend, I feel sad. I feel lonely. But I FEEL. So the challenge for me now is to stay present with my heart and keep feeling. I've cried twice today- and I don't remember the last time I had tears when it wasn't an emotional response to a movie or show I was into, except recently when I was pouring out my soul to him.
I'll never understand what is going on for him, and it doesn't matter. My emotional responses are rusty- I've probably given this one too much gas and flooded the engine, but I need to keep feeling and going forward. I need to stay open. I do not need to date right now, but one day- I hope I do, and I hope that if I feel something as mutually amazing as this briefly was, it goes better.
If you didn't click on the link above, to a youtube video of a weird old song I remember on one of my parents record albums, growing up- then you really should. My feelings feel as embarrassing, uncomfortable, and weirdified- as that song is. Oh better yet, get it right here, lovey-