I've spent a number of times today trying to pull up my blog in Chrome, and it just won't work. I can view it but I can't post anything to it or change the design or work within the blog format at all. I can't use Firefox b/c I have my regular Google account open there all the time, and it's a huge pain in the ying to log out of it and into this account to get to my blog- so here I am with the dread IE open. Perhaps viruses and trojans and yucky things will swoop in to hijack my computer beyond all use, once and for all-- but for now I'm able to write. And I need to write.
It scares me that the blog is getting some views. I asked myself why, and the answer was as clear as can be, and belies some deep beliefs about myself. I believe that if people know who I really am, and what I struggle with- they won't love me-- that I am fundamentally unlovable. Typing it out, it almost sounds cliché. A lot of people feel this way, at least some of the time. I see my value in terms of what I can give to others, but rarely do I see myself as valuable just for who I am.
Part of the shaming of abuse is this core belief: "I have to put up with this shit for love, and now that I've been damaged by abuse- no one else will want me." I think it is exacerbated by the fact that I've struggled most of my life to find a place where I fit in. I couldn't stay in the Midwest- I never belonged there. The west is for sure my homeland- but so far from family, with friends shifting as they do, it has been difficult to really feel that sense of belonging anywhere.
Tonight the alter is set and the candles are lit, and the veil between here and the afterlife is at it's thinnest. I keep hoping some insight will rocket through there and give me a glimpse into what I need to Know to unfuck my self.
The boyfriend did call this morning, explaining he had slept over 14 hours. I was hiking when he called and missed it. When I called him back, he was taking his daughters out for lunch and to a movie- and we've texted sporadically back and forth. He's let me know he's still tired. And that's the issue in this relationship that feels like it's not me/my shit- he has just enough oomph to work and make family and friend commitments, and then he's done. The man really has no business having a girlfriend, or at least not one he insists date him exclusively. Tomorrow I'll pick up my kid and I'll have him solid for two weeks. So next weekend when the boyfriend is feeling more rested, I just won't be free. Vicious cycle.
I want to not care and be okay that this child free weekend is a bust- but I'm disappointed.